I find it so strange

That when you love someone it can be the easiest thing, but at the same time, the most difficult.

How do you know when to completely open up? How do you know when to trust? How and when do you know they mean it when they say "I love you, too." ?

I am so confused, and I don't know why. I know I love where I stand in this relationship, and I know I want to continue this for as long as it can be continued. But why do I sometimes sit down and start thinking about my place in my life right now. Why do I sometimes feel like it's much more than I think it is, much more than I can process. I try everyday to reassure myself that everything he says to me is true, and most of the time it works, yet there are those days which I feel everything around me is a lie.

There's a saying that goes "We accept the love we feel we deserve," and sometimes I wonder if the reason I feel so insecure about my relationship is because I don't feel that I deserve everything he gives me. I don't feel safe because I truly believe that I'm not everything he could ever want. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel smart. I don't feel like I am anything that someone like him would have ever dreamed of. I want to be that perfect girl that he can proudly hold hands with. I don't want to sound like a generic "facebook girl", but this is honestly how I feel, and I have been for a while.

I am happy. I can honestly say, this is the happiest I have been in a while, but my struggle with my insecurities and anxieties don't let me be as happy as I could be, and I know that that affects him as much as it affects me, maybe even more. Because I don't feel at all what people say I'm worth, I'm jealous. I'm petty. I'm indecisive. I feel the need to cling on to him because he is my only source of happiness right now. I never wanted to be so dependent on a guy ever again, and thank God I am not the way I used to be; but the way things are going in my life, I feel like if I were to lose him, everything would come spiraling down.

I always say that I can go to him for everything, but how do I say all these things to him without sounding like I want things to be over?

Do I want things to be over? No, of course not. I love him.

But do I deserve him? I don't know. Does he deserve to be with someone who doesn't feel like she should be the one in his arms? No.

How can I live up to every other girl around me, around him, in his past? How can I make sure that I will be the first person on his mind every morning, and the last every night? How can I be certain that his feelings for me reflect my feelings for him? How can I be sure of anything?

I try every day to make him happy, and at the moment, it seems like it's working. We smile together, we laugh, we have fun. We're perfect together.

"But how long until he tires of me?" I can't help but ask myself this all the time. Every day, it's in the back of my mind. Every single day.

It's rare when he shares his feelings, but when he does I finally feel at peace. "I found my soulmate." "I am never letting you go." "I love you." It should seem like these should be enough to comfort me, yet no matter what, I still need to be reassured. I need to be certain that I am loved and wanted and needed and everything that he is to me. I need to know that everything I have put into this relationship hasn't gone to waste. I need to know that for the first time in my life, I am safe and secure.

I just don't want to get hurt ever again.

I'm sick. :(

 

     Today I woke up with a sore throat, a migraine, a stuffed nose, and a stupid cough that won't go away. Waah. I stayed in bed all day watching the Kardashian wedding special on E! The only highlight of my day was that my boyfriend came to take care of me. <3 I seemed cured when he was here but as soon as he left all my illness came back--haha! Guess he's my antidote, eh? ;)

     I'm sick okay--that's my excuse for that cheesy sentence! 

Family Night!

           Today was a fun night! Every once in a while my family will like to go out to a fancy restaurant and have a nice dinner. Today was one of those days! My mom called me before she got home and told me to get all dressed up because we were going out to eat! Yay! I, of course, got ready in no time. (30 minutes, actually. I'm a girl! That's pretty fast for me!) I usually love family nights because my family is hardly ever together-- brother goes to school, dad works all day on weekdays, mom works in the mornings then sleeps most of the afternoon (she has a pretty touch job!).. we're never at home at the same time. So, family nights such as these gives us a chance to be together and bond as a family! Oh, the power of a good meal!

   

       Like I said, my mom told me to get dressed up and that's exactly what I did! I love getting dressed up and going out, so today I rocked one of my favorite floral blouses. I seriously am a sucker of floral print! If I see it at a store I feel like it's calling my name! Hah!

       I got this beauuutiful top at JC Penny's. :)

       

     

      Soon we were at the restaurant! What restaurant did we choose? A family favorite: Olive Garden! Yum yum! Nothing better than family bonding over delicious Italian food!

       I had a mango-peach iced tea and the fettuccine alfredo with chicken. Yuuuuumy! The tea was incredible! I wish I had some of that at home!

My lovely parents enjoying their meal. ♥

 My brother and I. He obviously did not pose for the camera, but it's still a good picture!

 And then the family finished with some delicious Italian donuts for desert!

There was a lot of laughing, a lot of bonding, and another night of great memories. Gotta love family night!

Tea, tea, and more tea!

       I admit it. I am addicted.
       I love, love, LOVE, tea! I literally have 2 cups of tea a day (caffeine free since I have 2 cups of coffee every day, haha). I love trying new kinds of tea. Right now I am savoring a lovely cup of apricot green tea. And it is delicious!
       I usually drink my tea unsweetened, but I do love to put in a bit of honey from time to time.
     I not only love hot tea, but I adore iced tea as well! It's pretty much the only thing I drink nowadays. Wildberry is my favorite, but I love all types. ♥

& this has been my tribute to my love of tea .

New York, New York!

 

Someone take me there, please!

Sorry,

     I know this is my second post today (and I did this yesterday), but there is something I really need to rant about and I can't really do it anywhere but here.

     If there's one thing that annoys the crap outta me, it's a stupid girl. A stupid, STUPID girl. Especially one that does not see what scum bag she's dating and that she deserves someone a hundred times better than that.

     For example: If your boyfriend not only cheats on you with one of your closest friends, but also gives you a sexually transmitted  disease, he is NOT the right guy for you. I don't care what he says, he will do it again. Once a cheater, always a cheater.  When that happens, you let go. You walk away and you find someone who will not cheat on you, who will not hurt you, who will realize that you are the only girl he needs in his life. If a guy really loves you the way he says he does, he will not hurt you. And if he does otherwise, I'm sorry, you are stupid to continue that relationship.

     I love my boyfriend with all of my being. But if I found out that he cheated on me, or did something shady that would hurt me, I am smart enough to know I have to walk away from that. Ladies, use your head.  God did not just give you hips and breasts, he gave you a BRAIN. Do not be stupid enough to believe that a guy who hurt you once will not do it again. Guys like that are dogs and do not deserve for you to even look at them! If your excuse is that "you love him" you are lying to yourself. How can you possibly love something that hurts you? That sounds absurd to me.

     So, please, ladies. Let's be smart here. Let's stop being so dependent on guys who hurt us. Let's  be independent and show ourselves we can be strong without guys who are pigs, and will continue to be strong when the right guy comes along.

     As a girl with experience with textbook assholes, I write this only to help open eyes of girls who are confused.

Currently

     I am reading this book right here:

 

  

     I have to say it is very interesting, especially if you're into Greek mythology like me. I know the author is a "controversial person", but nonetheless I enjoy this book so far.

     Here's the plot summary (from Wikipedia).

     "Five orphans who have spent their lives in a luxurious but strict and secretive British boarding school (Saint Dymphna's School and College for Destitute Children) begin to discover that they are different from the other children that they so rarely see. The five also discover that the patrons of the school and their own guardians are not the Englishmen that they seem to be. Instead these adults represent strange powers. The children's curiosity is further piqued when they learn that they themselves possess unique paranormal abilities.

The story largely concerns the main characters' investigations and discoveries about an otherworldly power struggle, and their place within it."

     Sounds good right!? I'm extremely excited for this book. It's been so long since I've read such a good book\! I am so fond of books with complicated plot lines and sentence structure (I am a grammar Nazi!) and this book just has everything! A compelling plot line, great characters, the English is great. I love it so far! I can not put it down! 

     Well, I'm off to read now! You should get a copy! Maybe we can be book pals? Haha!

Rainy Days!

     Wow, two posts in one day! Well, I figured that last post was more of a makeup for the last 2 weeks, so I decided to post something worth the day! And in case the title didn't already give it away, it's about rainy days!

     Now, on usual days such as these I tend to spend the day wrapped in a blanket in my bed with hot coffee/chocolate/tea (preferably tea) watching Disney movies! And what better way to spend a day, am I right? Because of the rain and the grogginess, it seems like it's 8 AM all day, which is something I love. It gives me and excuse to stay in bed all day and no one can say anything to me, because they're all doing the same!

     But, today is a different story. You see, I have a lot of friends that live all over the country. Whether I met them through the internet or because they recently moved away for college, the point is that they're not close to me. So I like spending some time writing letters and making packages for my friends! Rainy days in particular, because there really isn't anything else to do when you can't go outside (nothing productive at least). But it is the greatest feeling being wrapped in a warm jacket or blanket in front of your desk with a delicious cup of coffee and a notebook and pen in front of you.

 

     Take the day to write to someone about your day--maybe your week. Odds are you won't be seeing this person for a while, but that doesn't mean you have to stop talking to them! Sure, there's email and Skype and Facebook to communicate with this person, but being old fashioned is so rewarding. To know that you spent time making a letter or package perfect to send to your friend is truly satisfying. And just imagine what your friend will think when they're surprised by something in the mail from you! Let's be honest here, no one really gets any physical mail anymore, unless it's bills. I guarantee that you will make this person's day with just the simple task of sending them a "Hello, I miss you." through the mail. 

     What makes this so much more soothing is putting on your favorite playlist in the background while you write to your friends. It makes you completely forget the world for a few hours. All there is is you, your story to your friend, and a warm cup of coffee. And of course whatever music fills your soul.

     Trust me. This is a great way to spend a rainy day. In fact, I recommend writing letters to your friends even when it's 85 degrees and sunny outside! Old fashioned never goes out of style, guys.

The List. (#2)

- my favorite blanket
- a night light
- a stereo
- some candles
- a computer chair

 






   
     I realized I've missed the past 2 List Tuesdays, but in my defense, things always seem to pop up on Tuesdays. It's like that day is cursed for me!

A love confession of some sorts.

     It's been a while since I last wrote something on this blog, hasn't it? Well, I'm not going to lie; I've been a bit busy and haven't exactly been inspired to write anything lately! But that's okay! I'm sure that throughout this particular post I'll think of something to write about.

     Ah! I thought of something!

     I really do love blogging. It's been so long since I've sat down and actually written about myself or what's going on with my head. The last time I was taking blogging like this seriously was when I was 12 or 13 and everyone on the internet had a Xanga account. Back in those days, though, I didn't really have anything to write about but my small problems during middle school.

     So, since I love blogging so much, I thought I'd finally share who my beloved is with this blog (even if nobody reads it.) Are you ready, my little friend?

     This, ladies and gentlemen, is my love. He doesn't really look like that anymore since he cut his hair, but I love this picture, so this is the picture you get! I don't know if I want to tell you his name just yet, but here he is!

     Some people might be thinking: "What the heck do you see in him?" And to this I answer: "HELLO? Are you blind? Do you not see what he looks like??"

     I kid, of course. (Partially.) Believe it or not, looks are far, faaaar from the only reason that I am attracted to this kid. Out of all the guys I've ever dated, he's the only one I can be my absolute self around. I suppose it has to do with the fact that we are so alike to begin with, so when I'm myself, he doesn't judge. At all. I tell him all my secrets, my thoughts, my insecurities. He gets all my cheesy jokes and makes me feel secure when I have one of my stupid anxiety attacks. His personality is incredible. He's funny, he's sarcastic. He's not the kind of guy who will suffocate you with "lovey-dovey". In fact, I practically have to beg for affection sometimes, but that does not mean he lacks sensitivity! He hugs me at the exact right moments. He kisses me at the times I need him to the most. When I call him crying, he shows up at my door half an hour later. He surprises me with roses when he knows I've had a rough week. And not once do I have to tell him, "Why can't you be like her boyfriend?!" He is exactly what I've wanted for the past 18 years. It's like he can read me like a book. Everything I feel or think, he acts upon it positively. We can be so in sync with each other without ever saying anything. He is literally me in a male's body. I always heard it's a bad thing to date someone exactly like you, but it works for us. I'm not afraid to be me around him because I know he will always be himself around me.

     Whenever I wake up to him in the morning, this incredible wave of emotions surges through my body and it's like I can't even explain it. What I feel for him is so different from what I've ever felt for anybody ever in my life before. And the fact that he feels the same way for me... sometimes I can't even fathom what I have in my life. To this day I still get the butterflies I got in the beginning of our relationship. That's never happened before. Usually I lose interest within a a month's time, but for him... my feelings for him grow stronger every day.

     He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes my face turn all variations of pinks and reds. Not only is he my boyfriend, but he is also my best friend. He is the most important person in my life, and I am thankful for him every single day. I can honestly say I don't know what I would do without him. He is my everything. I definitely will never give him up for anything. With him, I can honestly and truly say that I am happy.

First blog post from my new phone!

     Yes, you heard right people! Or, actually, read right! I now my hands on a beautiful new phone that I have well deserved! I am in love...

Excitement at a high right now!

     This beauuuuutiful phone is coming in the mail on Wednesday! Can you believe it!? After 2 years of suffering with my crappy current phone, I finally upgrade to this gorgeous little android! I can hardly wait!

Today,

     I have close to nothing to write about. My weekend, as usual, was a bit boring. Well, maybe except for yesterday. My boyfriend and I biked to our friend's house where we played board games for a few hours. After that we came back to my house and made pizza from scratch and watched a movie!

     Now, I have to tell you, it's been a while since I've actually used my bicycle. And now, well... it's a bit painful to sit for a long time, but it was definitely worth it! I rather enjoyed biking again, and I think it'll be my form of transportation from now on. (Until I get a car, of course. Can you believe it! I'm 18 years old and I still can't drive!)

     Now the only thing I'm looking forward to is tomorrow, which is the day I get to order my brand new phone! The one I have right now is driving me mental, so I'm very excited for my new phone! I'll take extra care of it, since it's actually going to be expensive...and I pray it doesn't end up dying on me like my current one is! Here's hopin'!

     Well, look at that! I did have something to write about today!

This is a title.

     I was going to write yesterday about my obsessions with weddings, but I got interrupted by a friend who needed makeup advice (I won't say who!) so my surge of passion for the blog post was unfortunately lost. But! There is hope!

     I realized I have nothing exactly to write about. Sure, this is my personal blog that I will treat as some kind of diary, but I want a blog with a purpose! So, I've decided on something, something that will keep secret from this blog and my friends (except for the one that knows) until it is perfect!

The List. (#1)

- A mop
- A toaster
- A broom
- A microwave
- Bathroom rugs

     That, my friends, is a list. A list of what, you ask? Well, not everyone knows this... but since I can officially confide all my secrets into this blog, I'll spill the beans of independence. Yes, that's right, independence. I'm getting ready to move out!

     Where to, you ask yet again? I don't care. It could be that cute little studio on 2nd street or that lovely 4 bedroom 2 story house on St Louis avenue. To make a long story short, I am moving in with my boyfriend. And from now on, on every Tuesday I will list 5 things I need to make sure to bring with me/buy for my new home. Now, I'm not exactly sure if I'm moving in with just him...or if we're doing that thing where his whole family (minus his dad) moves to another house and invites me to live with them (I'll explain that later). All I know is that it's only a matter of time before I get to leave the hell hole I'm living in now and I get to wake up to him every morning.

     I bet you are curious about who my dearly beloved is (oh, come on, you know you are!) but, too bad! I'll keep him a mystery for a while longer! Unless, of course, you're someone that knows me personally, then in that case you already know my significant other. And if that's the case, I'd very much appreciate it if you kept it a secret from my little sanctuary blog!

I don't know where to start.

     I realized that I should set myself to actually commit to something I won't give up in a matter of weeks. I also  realize I'm not good at that, but here's hopin'. Besides my boyfriend, I really don't have anybody to confide in...and I admit there are certain things I can't even tell my boyfriend.

     So, I decided to create a blog. And this blog will be like a passageway to my mind. I can't deny that I'm a bit off the trail of normality, and sometimes I'm so caught up in my head I forget I live in reality--so this should help me keep my priorities straight and to satisfy my need to run away from the real world. I'll write all my thoughts, my secrets, my desires in this little blog and hopefully within time I can go back to each entry and remember what I was thinking that day.

     I don't know if I'm ready to share everything that goes on in my mind to the world yet...that is unless somebody stumbles upon it. But for now, this'll be my little sanctuary. A place where I can say whatever, whenever, with no penalties or consequences for it. It'll be a place where I can feel safe within my own mind, because there are definitely times I even question my own thoughts. It'll be a new adventure on the road to figuring out who I am; a brand new chapter in my life.