...since I last wrote something on this blog, and part of me thinks that's a good thing since it seems all I ever write about is negative in one way or another. I've been okay for the most part, so I haven't exactly felt the need to spill my heart out onto a blog. But I should have known that was only a small patch of satisfaction and content I was going through and that everything would come crashing back down again.
Everyday I struggle with my self loathing and insecurities, but lately it's been so bad, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Even now, as I write this, I'm thinking to myself: What if someone finds this and sees how stupid I am? Everything I do makes me feel so inferior. I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to erase myself from this world completely. I don't know how it got this bad so quickly. I'm scared.
When I'm 'okay', I feel light. I feel okay to smile and okay to be who I am, but that only lasts for a short while. After a while, I start feeling heavy again, like I'm sinking into the ground. Like it gets harder to walk every day and harder to get out of bed every morning. Everything upsets me, nothing makes me happy, all I want to do is mope around. Even the one person that makes everything even just a bit better has to work to get me to crack a goddamn smile. What is wrong with me?
I am so tired of looking at other girls and other people and thinking "I'm never going to be good enough". I am so sick of berating myself and treating myself like I'm not a person, like I'm not good enough to be alive. But I just can't feel any other way, I can't stop feeling like I'm just taking up space in everybody's life.
I've been battling this for years now, but it has not gotten this bad since...
It doesn't matter anymore. I cannot keep living like this. I need help, but I feel like no one can help me. I am so scared and I am so tired. I just want to love myself, why is that so hard for me?
