That when you love someone it can be the easiest thing, but at the same time, the most difficult.
How do you know when to completely open up? How do you know when to trust? How and when do you know they mean it when they say "I love you, too." ?
I am so confused, and I don't know why. I know I love where I stand in this relationship, and I know I want to continue this for as long as it can be continued. But why do I sometimes sit down and start thinking about my place in my life right now. Why do I sometimes feel like it's much more than I think it is, much more than I can process. I try everyday to reassure myself that everything he says to me is true, and most of the time it works, yet there are those days which I feel everything around me is a lie.
There's a saying that goes "We accept the love we feel we deserve," and sometimes I wonder if the reason I feel so insecure about my relationship is because I don't feel that I deserve everything he gives me. I don't feel safe because I truly believe that I'm not everything he could ever want. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel smart. I don't feel like I am anything that someone like him would have ever dreamed of. I want to be that perfect girl that he can proudly hold hands with. I don't want to sound like a generic "facebook girl", but this is honestly how I feel, and I have been for a while.
I am happy. I can honestly say, this is the happiest I have been in a while, but my struggle with my insecurities and anxieties don't let me be as happy as I could be, and I know that that affects him as much as it affects me, maybe even more. Because I don't feel at all what people say I'm worth, I'm jealous. I'm petty. I'm indecisive. I feel the need to cling on to him because he is my only source of happiness right now. I never wanted to be so dependent on a guy ever again, and thank God I am not the way I used to be; but the way things are going in my life, I feel like if I were to lose him, everything would come spiraling down.
I always say that I can go to him for everything, but how do I say all these things to him without sounding like I want things to be over?
Do I want things to be over? No, of course not. I love him.
But do I deserve him? I don't know. Does he deserve to be with someone who doesn't feel like she should be the one in his arms? No.
How can I live up to every other girl around me, around him, in his past? How can I make sure that I will be the first person on his mind every morning, and the last every night? How can I be certain that his feelings for me reflect my feelings for him? How can I be sure of anything?
I try every day to make him happy, and at the moment, it seems like it's working. We smile together, we laugh, we have fun. We're perfect together.
"But how long until he tires of me?" I can't help but ask myself this all the time. Every day, it's in the back of my mind. Every single day.
It's rare when he shares his feelings, but when he does I finally feel at peace. "I found my soulmate." "I am never letting you go." "I love you." It should seem like these should be enough to comfort me, yet no matter what, I still need to be reassured. I need to be certain that I am loved and wanted and needed and everything that he is to me. I need to know that everything I have put into this relationship hasn't gone to waste. I need to know that for the first time in my life, I am safe and secure.
I just don't want to get hurt ever again.
