It's been ages...

...since I last wrote something on this blog, and part of me thinks that's a good thing since it seems all I ever write about is negative in one way or another. I've been okay for the most part, so I haven't exactly felt the need to spill my heart out onto a blog. But I should have known that was only a small patch of satisfaction and content I was going through and that everything would come crashing back down again.

Everyday I struggle with my self loathing and insecurities, but lately it's been so bad, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Even now, as I write this, I'm thinking to myself: What if someone finds this and sees how stupid I am? Everything I do makes me feel so inferior. I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to erase myself from this world completely. I don't know how it got this bad so quickly. I'm scared.

When I'm 'okay', I feel light. I feel okay to smile and okay to be who I am, but that only lasts for a short while. After a while, I start feeling heavy again, like I'm sinking into the ground. Like it gets harder to walk every day and harder to get out of bed every morning. Everything upsets me, nothing makes me happy, all I want to do is mope around. Even the one person that makes everything even just a bit better has to work to get me to crack a goddamn smile. What is wrong with me?

I am so tired of looking at other girls and other people and thinking "I'm never going to be good enough". I am so sick of berating myself and treating myself like I'm not a person, like I'm not good enough to be alive. But I just can't feel any other way, I can't stop feeling like I'm just taking up space in everybody's life.

I've been battling this for years now, but it has not gotten this bad since...

It doesn't matter anymore. I cannot keep living like this. I need help, but I feel like no one can help me. I am so scared and I am so tired. I just want to love myself, why is that so hard for me?

I find it so strange

That when you love someone it can be the easiest thing, but at the same time, the most difficult.

How do you know when to completely open up? How do you know when to trust? How and when do you know they mean it when they say "I love you, too." ?

I am so confused, and I don't know why. I know I love where I stand in this relationship, and I know I want to continue this for as long as it can be continued. But why do I sometimes sit down and start thinking about my place in my life right now. Why do I sometimes feel like it's much more than I think it is, much more than I can process. I try everyday to reassure myself that everything he says to me is true, and most of the time it works, yet there are those days which I feel everything around me is a lie.

There's a saying that goes "We accept the love we feel we deserve," and sometimes I wonder if the reason I feel so insecure about my relationship is because I don't feel that I deserve everything he gives me. I don't feel safe because I truly believe that I'm not everything he could ever want. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel smart. I don't feel like I am anything that someone like him would have ever dreamed of. I want to be that perfect girl that he can proudly hold hands with. I don't want to sound like a generic "facebook girl", but this is honestly how I feel, and I have been for a while.

I am happy. I can honestly say, this is the happiest I have been in a while, but my struggle with my insecurities and anxieties don't let me be as happy as I could be, and I know that that affects him as much as it affects me, maybe even more. Because I don't feel at all what people say I'm worth, I'm jealous. I'm petty. I'm indecisive. I feel the need to cling on to him because he is my only source of happiness right now. I never wanted to be so dependent on a guy ever again, and thank God I am not the way I used to be; but the way things are going in my life, I feel like if I were to lose him, everything would come spiraling down.

I always say that I can go to him for everything, but how do I say all these things to him without sounding like I want things to be over?

Do I want things to be over? No, of course not. I love him.

But do I deserve him? I don't know. Does he deserve to be with someone who doesn't feel like she should be the one in his arms? No.

How can I live up to every other girl around me, around him, in his past? How can I make sure that I will be the first person on his mind every morning, and the last every night? How can I be certain that his feelings for me reflect my feelings for him? How can I be sure of anything?

I try every day to make him happy, and at the moment, it seems like it's working. We smile together, we laugh, we have fun. We're perfect together.

"But how long until he tires of me?" I can't help but ask myself this all the time. Every day, it's in the back of my mind. Every single day.

It's rare when he shares his feelings, but when he does I finally feel at peace. "I found my soulmate." "I am never letting you go." "I love you." It should seem like these should be enough to comfort me, yet no matter what, I still need to be reassured. I need to be certain that I am loved and wanted and needed and everything that he is to me. I need to know that everything I have put into this relationship hasn't gone to waste. I need to know that for the first time in my life, I am safe and secure.

I just don't want to get hurt ever again.

I'm sick. :(

 

     Today I woke up with a sore throat, a migraine, a stuffed nose, and a stupid cough that won't go away. Waah. I stayed in bed all day watching the Kardashian wedding special on E! The only highlight of my day was that my boyfriend came to take care of me. <3 I seemed cured when he was here but as soon as he left all my illness came back--haha! Guess he's my antidote, eh? ;)

     I'm sick okay--that's my excuse for that cheesy sentence! 

Family Night!

           Today was a fun night! Every once in a while my family will like to go out to a fancy restaurant and have a nice dinner. Today was one of those days! My mom called me before she got home and told me to get all dressed up because we were going out to eat! Yay! I, of course, got ready in no time. (30 minutes, actually. I'm a girl! That's pretty fast for me!) I usually love family nights because my family is hardly ever together-- brother goes to school, dad works all day on weekdays, mom works in the mornings then sleeps most of the afternoon (she has a pretty touch job!).. we're never at home at the same time. So, family nights such as these gives us a chance to be together and bond as a family! Oh, the power of a good meal!

   

       Like I said, my mom told me to get dressed up and that's exactly what I did! I love getting dressed up and going out, so today I rocked one of my favorite floral blouses. I seriously am a sucker of floral print! If I see it at a store I feel like it's calling my name! Hah!

       I got this beauuutiful top at JC Penny's. :)

       

     

      Soon we were at the restaurant! What restaurant did we choose? A family favorite: Olive Garden! Yum yum! Nothing better than family bonding over delicious Italian food!

       I had a mango-peach iced tea and the fettuccine alfredo with chicken. Yuuuuumy! The tea was incredible! I wish I had some of that at home!

My lovely parents enjoying their meal. ♥

 My brother and I. He obviously did not pose for the camera, but it's still a good picture!

 And then the family finished with some delicious Italian donuts for desert!

There was a lot of laughing, a lot of bonding, and another night of great memories. Gotta love family night!